Posted by Vee | May 25, 2009, 16:45 (EST) | 8 Comments
Category: Books, Fandom, TV Series

So, so cool to see authors coming out as Vampire Diaries (and L.J. Smith) fans this week. (Hi, Melissa Marr!) Sarah Rees Brennan, author of The Demon’s Lexicon (which has received ringing endorsements from such writers as Holly Black, Scott Westerfield, and Cassandra Clare), posted a funny summary of The Vampire Diaries on her LJ this morning that we had to share. Thanks to Sarah for being game – we hope she decides to write those “affectionate parodies” of the TV episodes when they start airing. SPOILERS AHOY.

I am really looking forward to a show called The Vampire Diaries, coming out this autumn. It’s based on a series of books by LJ Smith, and LJ Smith was my Twilight – she wrote the books I went crazy for when I was a teenager… I still remember enough to be able to summarise the backstory of The Vampire Diaries for you.

STEFAN: As befits the angsty hero of a series about vampires, my interests include poetry and the arts, and my fragile vampire girlfriend Katherine.
DAMON: My interests include drinking, gambling, wenching and annoying my little brother. Speaking of which, hello Katherine.
KATHERINE: I have decided to make you both vampires, and live with both of you in eternal vampiric bliss.
STEFAN: Live with… I’m sorry, what are you trying to imply…
DAMON: WHEN I SAID I WAS UP FOR ANYTHING, THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT AT ALL.
KATHERINE: Well, if you won’t give me eternal vampiric bliss, I am offing myself. That’ll show you! Then you’ll weep in each other’s arms!
STEFAN AND DAMON: have a duel
KATHERINE: Or not.
STEFAN: Oh my God, Damon, we’re vampires! The undead, the damned, utterly doomed to endless torment. What do we do, what do we do?
DAMON: It’s okay, Stefan. I have a plan.
STEFAN: Hurrah, what is your plan?
DAMON: TO MAKE YOUR LIFE AN ETERNAL MISERY.
STEFAN: lives centuries of eternal misery, drinking the blood of pigeons
DAMON: That’s what I’m talkin’ about.
STEFAN: Time to reinvent myself as an American high school student, who plays on the football team and has just met a girl who looks uncannily like his lost love. What is this feeling? Is it… happiness?
DAMON: Oh, Stefan. Why do you do these things to us both? It gives me no pleasure to hurt you.
STEFAN: …
DAMON: Ahahaha, who am I kidding! Hurting you is awesome. Speaking of which, hello Elena!

We love you, Vampire Diaries fandom. That is all.

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